Light in the Darkness
I am about to share something very vulnerable with you.
I have been fighting depression recently, and on and off, it has reared its ugly head since my teenage years. Recently, with a few creative projects underway, emotions surfacing that I had suppressed from my marriage, and changes at work, it came with a vengeance and, at the same time, subtle.
Numbness was the start this time, followed by a flood of emotions processing hurts, hopes, dreams, and promises yet to be fulfilled from God that I have spent years clutching desperately to. I feel God gently asking me to let go of all of them, giving them over to Him to carry. These good promises and dreams have become a burden I was never meant to hold and the effect through the years led to deep depression. It felt like a slow yet sudden onset this time.
Honestly, I have not struggled much with depression for the past five years. Still, unfortunately, I had developed unhealthy habits of suppressing emotions and disappointments in life without honestly communicating with those around me, which led to a slow mental strain that came to a head recently. I experienced numbness and a strong desire to sleep A LOT, but the sleeping did not help.
Am I sick?
Not physically.
I thought I might sleep more to help if my body was fighting something. It’s been so long since the spirit of heaviness showed its face that I forgot its tactics. Returning to work during this struggle was difficult, especially in healthcare. I felt like an emotionless robot and had to rally myself to treat a little kiddo for PT because I was just not present like I usually am. That was an exhausting few days.
When I came home, it became clear who was behind this heaviness as negative thoughts and emotions flooded my head of all the hopes, dreams, and promises from God that have not yet come to pass. Jesus tells us in John 10:10 that the “thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy,” but He came to give us overflowing life. The enemy of my soul saw a vulnerable moment and took full advantage of it.
I didn’t want to cry or feel anything, but I felt God wanted me to admit my need for comfort to my husband, Michael, and when I heard those words come out of my mouth, I broke.
The floodgates of tears opened and didn’t stop for what seemed forever. I read God-centered poetry, and every word felt like a knife to my grieving heart. I knew I needed to hear the words of truth, though, regardless of the pain.
In the past, I would have insisted on suffering alone, but there is a beauty in brokenness that is not found when we “pull ourselves up by our bootstraps.”
My husband held me close and didn’t say a word as I sobbed. I truly felt the love of My Father, My Daddy God, in his arms.
The cloud is starting to lift as God reveals the truth to me. He is with me, behind and before me; where He is, there is light! ALWAYS. The darkness did feel smothering those days, but God, in His mercy, is reminding me who He is and that He is with me. Now all is light. I’m starting to breathe better.
If you can relate in any way to my story, reach out for help. I know the isolation the enemy tries to pull us into all too well. He is a liar! You are loved, valuable, and worth being cared for and comforted. Jesus desires you to live in freedom, but that pursuit takes place in community, not isolation. You are not alone, friend.
I frequently return to Psalm 139 in difficult times and end this blog by sharing part of this rich psalm.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, and the light around me will be night,” even the darkness is not dark to You, and the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You.
Psalm 139:11-12, NASB
I encourage you to soak in these verses and allow this truth to bring hope. No darkness is too dark for our Father of Lights. Let Him meet you where you are in your mess and watch everything shift.
